The Myth of McOiless, the goddess of cooking oil

McOiless

The Myth of McOiless, the Goddess of Cooking Oil

          McOiless was surrounded by gods and goddesses with very important roles. She was very jealous of those with roles because she didn’t have one. Not only that, but most of the gods and goddesses were strong, majestic and beautiful, while she was small and no matter what she did, she still had oily skin. Her mother, Persephone, encouraged McOiless to go talk to her uncle Dionysus since he often had good ideas in spite of the fact that he was never 100% sober when he came up with them. 

          “You should try and search far and wide for your specialty,” Dionysus told McOiless when she went to his vineyard, “instead of just searching in one area.” Dionysus was concerned because all of his sister’s kids were special and McOiless seemed useless, and McOiless had tried to search on Mount Olympus for a specialty to no avail.

After Dionysus had consumed two bottles of his own vintage wine, he was drunk enough to come up with the brilliant idea of McOiless going to Earth to find her role.

“That’s a brilliant idea,” McOiless squeaked with excitement, “but if I go to Earth, I will need something to protect myself. I have never ventured far from Mount Olympus.”

McOiless went to her grandmother Demeter to see if she had any ideas about a weapon for protection on Earth. Demeter thought for a moment, and then reached into a cabinet under her stove where she was making bread. She pulled out a plain black frying pan.

“This frying pan can knock out a mortal for two hours with a single tap of the surface,” Demeter told her. “It can also do another power, but that is for you to figure out for yourself.” She winked and handed the simple-looking pan to McOiless.

McOiless looked optimistically at the pan. “I was thinking of something different, but this will work,” she piped.

McOiless asked Hermes to transport her to Earth, and since he was so helpful, he agreed. Once she arrived on Earth, she found out that she quite liked it. There were so many things for her to do and discover that were not on Mount Olympus, like allergies and towels. While searching for her role, she met Saladus, the god of salads, who was enthusiastic about healthy food, and watched over people on diets to make sure they worked.

Saladus was green and very fit due to his attention to his health. His hair was curly and fuzzy like a broccoli floret. He also wore a necklace made out of cherry tomatoes.

“I see that you are trying to find your role. I can help you find it through the power of diet and salad; a healthy diet strengthens your brain and your body so that you have more energy on your quest.”

McOiless was happy, because she was desperate and had no one to help her on her endeavor. She accepted Saladus’s offer and went with him to his temple made of celery pillars and a cauliflower roof.

McOiless’s breakfast every day was a single carrot. Her lunch was a vegetable smoothie in a bowl with added celery or lettuce chunks. Her dinner was a burrito – but only made of vegetables and the tortilla was more lettuce. Finally, for dessert she had three strawberries.

This went on for a month. Then McOiless realized that vegetables and healthy eating were making her feel weak. She wondered how she would ever be able to find her specialty if she continued. She bravely decided to approach Saladus and tell him she wanted to leave.

“You take my help so ungratefully!” Saladus’s voice grated. “See if anyone else will be so kind to help you find your role!” He bid her a very angry goodbye, but went into his broccoli lair and cooked up a plan. 

He schemed how to make McOiless’s journey so tough that she had no choice but to run back to his vegetated castle. He thought hard about McOiless’s weaknesses, and realized that without her gear, such as food and weapons, she would pretty much be left for the rats. He then mixed up a brilliant plan.

“Tomato vultures! I need your assistance,” he called out to his trusty pets. The red vultures came to him and sat upon their celery perch. “I need you to seek out this goddess,” he said, “She has long oily black hair, oily skin, and wears a toga the color of oil. She’s just oily in general! Go find her! She sticks out like frozen butter in a pool of oil.”

The Tomato vultures never spoke, but Saladus knew they understood. Without another word from him, they tossed off. Their red glistening tomato bodies contrasted against the light blue sky.

While McOiless was winding down and creating cool oil out of her skin pores in order to avoid the blazing sun, she realized that her oil technique wasn’t as strong as it used to be. I knew that those darn green vegetables were doing harm to me! she angrily thought.

Just as she thought the worst was over, she realized that her bread bowl bag was gone from her side. A bubbling surge of panic rose within her and she desperately searched around her surroundings for her bag. Where is it! Oh no, I cannot go without my bag.

She then heard a squawk above her head and looked up. A very ugly tomato looking bird was circling above her, carrying the bread bowl bag, as if it were mocking her.

“Hey! Give it back you stupid bird!” She jumped up and reached, but slipped on the oil puddle she had made. But she was never going to give up. When the bird swept just low enough, she grabbed one item out of the bag.

The bird squawked loudly and flew up, but made the effort to take a tomatoey bird poop on McOiless’s head.

McOiless was angry, humiliated, and upset. She then checked what the item was she had grabbed, and saw the magical frying pan.

“I guess you’re all I’ve got now,” she mumbled.

“Hey are you OK?” McOiless heard a voice behind her. She spun around and saw a partially-costumed clown standing there. He was tall and had clown makeup on, but he had taken off his clown wig and big floppy shoes.

McOiless sighed. “I guess I am,” she said.

“Are you sure? Because I just saw a bunch of flying tomatoes steal your stuff,” the half clown said. “Why don’t you come to my booth and I will give you some supplies.”

He handed her a balloon animal and she took it, then followed him up the street to where a fair was taking place. “What’s your name?” the clown asked her.

“McOiless.”

“Hello McOiless. I am Donald the Clown. And this is my booth!” he said as he approached a small red and yellow building surrounded by children.

Unfortunately, the children all started crying when they saw Donald without his clown wig and floppy shoes. McOiless distracted them by giving them balloons while Donald got fully dressed. When he emerged from behind his booth, the kids cheered.

“Here you go, pretty lady,” said Donald, handing her a plastic bag filled with napkins, a loaf of bread, a compass, some water bottles, and some ring pops. The bag was tied to a red balloon with a yellow D, for Donald, on it.

I hope all humans are as nice as this Donald guy, McOiless thought, as she thanked him and went on her way. Hopefully someday she would be able to repay his kindness.

As Saladus was making a salad, the tomato vultures flew in and dropped the bread bowl bag. Saladus was delighted and quickly rummaged through the bag for her belongings, getting disgusted at all the oil. He realized that something was not quite right.

“Where’s the frying pan?” Saladus glared at the vultures. The vultures nervously looked at each other.

Saladus was fed up with anger and tossed his salad at the birds. They both squawked and attempted to dodge the flying cucumbers.

“I said to get everything!” Saladus angrily shouted, “Maybe you weren’t a ripe enough tomato for the job! I guess I’ll just have to get a bigger obstacle.”

Saladus thought, then remembered something stored away in his jalapeno cellar – away from the eyes of any mortal or immortal.

He walked to get his olive candle and walked down the fifty flights of eggplant stairs. He then arrived at the jalapeno cellar and heard a low growl from the cage. The bacon dog.

McOiless was getting nowhere with her journey, and every day she was getting oilier and oilier. Her forehead was like a beacon from the shine. And a plane would know where she was by the glow of the oil and the slimy trail she left.

Then she heard a loud howl and stopped in her tracks. She seemed drawn to it, yet it felt like common sense to be afraid by it. McOiless clutched her frying pan and ran towards the sound of the howling.

She was met by a large dog that seemed to be made of raw pieces of thin pork. It had two heads and a sloppy tongue of bacon. Its eyes were fried eggs, and it had an avocado seed nose.

The dog seemed to stop howling when McOiless approached it. She was drawn to the dog and all of a sudden felt a deep need to save it for an unknown reason.

All of a sudden, it started growling and barking, flicking its tail and knocking McOiless off her feet. In defense, she involuntarily made a geyser of oil come out of her back to prevent her from falling. The dog continued to charge at McOiless and she summoned fried chicken from her pan and threw it at the dog. The dog ate the chicken, and McOiless was left defenseless again. The dog charged at McOiless, she shut her eyes and put her hands up to defend herself, unknowingly shooting out hot boiling cooking oil from her hands. She heard a sizzle sound and opened one eye cautiously, and saw a cooked bacon dog with a slobbery bacon tongue.

“What-?” her sentence was cut off when the large dog tackled her, licking her oily face and wagging his bacon tail. McOiless laughed and scratched the back of his ears, making him roll on his back so she could rub his bacon belly.

“If you look past the fact you’re just all bacon, you’re kind of cute,” she smiled, “I will name you Baconeus.”

McOiless then got to thinking, how was it that she could make oil on command and as a defensive technique? She played fetch with the dog while deep in thought. While things flipped through her mind, she finally put the burger together. Her specialty was simply cooking oil!

“Baconeus! I finally found out what my purpose is!” She excitedly squeaked, and her pores generated more oil from overexcitement. “Let’s go back to Mount Olympus! We need to tell everyone!”

As she mounted Baconeus, she felt something drop on her head. She picked it up and saw a cherry tomato. Her heart dropped and her throat felt thick.

“You really thought you could just leave?” A booming voice was heard from above. McOiless looked up and saw a lettuce chariot with red onion reins and cauliflower seats. The horses were made of potatoes and had green bean eyes.

“Leave me alone!” McOiless shouted up, “Or I will dunk you in deep fry oil!”

Saladus raised a carroty eyebrow, “So you have found your specialty? I knew something was wrong when you rejected my expertise.”

McOiless was done with Saladus’s bossing around. “You don’t scare me!”

“We’ll see about that.”

Saladus hopped down from his chariot and made a floor of cauliflower below him, breaking his fall. McOiless hopped back while Baconeus growled at Saladus.

          McOiless quickly made oil and shot it at Saladus; he made a wall of lettuce to protect himself from the unhealthy grease. McOiless ran in panic as Saladus approached her slowly.

          “You’re nothing but a goddess who has no specialty, who turned to such unhealthy desires as fried food.”

          McOiless stopped in her greasy tracks. She could feel anger bubbling deep in her soul and oil seeping from her pores. Her face dripped with grease from anger.

          “You have no idea what you’re talking about!” She turned to Saladus and yelled.

          Saladus spun his carrot spear around in his hand, “Let’s see what’s more powerful: health, or some junk.”

          Without a warning, his spear turned into a carrot bow with toothpick olive arrows. He shot them at her and McOiless ducked in defense, spraying oil out at the arrows. I have to think of a way to defeat him!
          McOiless rubbed her eyes, deep in thought, and some of her own oil got in her eyes. It stung a little – which gave her an idea.

          “Baconeus! I need you to distract Saladus!” She told her dog. Baconeus gave a faint nod and ran towards Saladus, biting one of his green legs.

          “Get off me, you mutt!” he shrieked.

          McOiless readied her stance and waited for the right moment. She watched Saladus’s every move and saw him pull back the carrot bow. Now’s my chance!

          She felt her palms get warm and bubbly and shot out boiling hot oil right at Saladus’s eyes, and the oil dripped down his neck and chest, burning his green skin.

          Saladus cried out in pain and clutched his eyes. The steaming sound was painful to hear. He ran quickly towards his lettuce chariot, tripping over his feet, and took off.

          Baconeus came running up to McOiless’s side. “We did it, Baconeus!” she shouted with joy, as they watched Saladus’s chariot fly erratically off into the sky.

          McOiless’s feet were tired as she finally climbed the last rock towards Mount Olympus. The gate was opened for her and there she saw her mother Persephone.

          “Oh, you’re finally back with your role I hope?” Persephone asked McOiless.

          “Yes, I have my role,” McOiless smiled brightly. “It’s cooking oil.”   

          Persephone smiled back at McOiless. “Well, we need to put the importance of your role somewhere.”

          McOiless thought for a moment and then came up with a great idea, inspired by a nice human she met on earth.

          “What if I make a place called McDonalds, and it could rest on the side of Mount Olympus,” she pointed to an empty area of the mountain, “right over there.”

          Baconeus, Persephone, and McOiless walked over to the area she pointed at. But McOiless slipped on the oil trail she made.

          “Oh, my bad, it’s just very slippery to walk on oil with feet.”

          Persephone shook her head, “You should go to Zeus about that, I’ll call Hephaestus to build McDonalds for you.”

          McOiless walked to Zeus’s temple with Baconeus at her side. Zeus saw McOiless come in.

          “What brings you here?” Zeus asked.

          “I’m having trouble walking on the oil trail I make, as my role in Mount Olympus is cooking oil.”

          Zeus clapped his hands, “I have the perfect thing for you! It won’t hurt at all.”

          Suddenly, her legs started to move on their own. The skin around them created so much oil she thought she would slip and crack her head. Then, she couldn’t even feel her two legs anymore and they felt like one solid piece.

          “Look!”

          McOiless looked down and saw a snail body under her waist like a centaur, but she was half-human, half snail. She was the first Snailtaur! A big shell sat on her back that created oil to keep her comfortable and to slick the floors to help her move without creating an oil trail for the other gods and goddesses to trip on.

          “Wow! This is amazing! Thank you!” McOiless slithered around. Baconeus got excited.

          “You’re very welcome.”

          McOiless left the temple and saw two golden arches in the shape of an M at the area she showed Persephone. A small red and yellow building sat behind it.

          She slid towards it in amazement. Hephaestus was also admiring his work.

          “This is truly great! I can now serve all the deep fried food I want!”

          “Yes, McOiless, you can,” said a booming voice behind her. Everyone turned around to see Zeus approaching. He almost never left his temple, so this was truly a sight to behold.

          “This is a great day for all of the gods,” Zeus said, putting a huge hand on McOiless’s shell. “Not only do we now have a goddess of all things oily and fried, but we can all benefit from the bounty of your greasy feasts,” he said. “And also, you have defeated that overbearing god Saladus,” he grumbled. “I know that guy means well, but he is just so annoying and obsessive. And now he cannot keep such a watchful eye over everyone who is on a diet. I know that means some diets won’t work now, but to be honest mortals are too obsessed with dieting anyway. I mean, it’s not like they are going to live forever!” And at that, everybody laughed.

          “Fried chicken for everyone!” McOiless announced.

          Everybody cheered and filed into the red and yellow building for a huge fried feast that lasted for 30 days.

-by Rebecca, Grade 8

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Inferno, the God of Fire and Heat

Inferno

The Myth of Inferno, the God of Heat

          It all started on Mount Olympus, where Inferno lived with Heptius, Zeus, Apollo, and the rest of his family. There had been talk for some time about how Poseidon was causing trouble on Earth. One day Zeus told Inferno that Poseidon was telling everyone that he was going to make water the strongest power on earth and that all heat would be eliminated, unless someone could beat him in battle. “Which is why I am putting you on a quest,” Zeus said.

          All of a sudden, his father Heptius told him to go to an ancient volcano and jump in. Inferno said he would visit the volcano but would not jump in, however, once he was there he tripped into the volcano anyway. For some reason it felt like he was a god, then Heptius told him that he was actually the god of Heat. Hephaestus said “I can pass down my power of fire to the next one who jumped in the volcano and that was you.”

  Zeus told Inferno to “Go into the labyrinth and go to Poseidon’s base, but I warn you there will be some booby traps.”

          So, Inferno headed down from Mount Olympus towards the underground labyrinth to find Poseidon’s base. Luckily, he found Daedalus. He asked to help him navigate the labyrinth. Daedalus told him to keep on walking forward and as he walked, Daedalus realized he couldn’t go any farther because he was the son of Athena, and Athena and Heptius did not like each other very well.

So, Inferno kept walking and suddenly fell in water; he realized it was bottomless. He was taking a lot of damage; after all, he was the god of heat. He tried to swim up, but the water was making him take so much damage that he couldn’t get up. But then, because he was the heat god, he spread lava to create obsidian below him so he could just step out. He would die if he stayed for 10 more minutes, then he would lose his powers. When it became 1 minute left, he finally got out. Now he was scared to see what came next.

He kept on going forward until what he saw in front of him was the legendary Scylla, the three headed water monster. He thought he met his match. He thought he was doomed!!! Since Scylla couldn’t move he put a fire border right next to her and walked right past. Sadly, he was under the sea of monsters and he met the legendary Charybdis. Inferno went inside Charybdis’s tummy and burned a hole to get out to the other side. Now he would go to Poseidon and fight him.

Inferno found Poseidon at his golden castle under the sea. He was busy making tidal waves that were crashing onto the shore of Italy. Because he was so busy, he did not see Inferno sneak up behind him with his axe.

Then he shouted “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH” and hit Poseidon on the foot. He saw the trident and remembered that one strike could change Poseidon from bad to good. But sadly, it was in Poseidon’s hand. Inferno needed to get it from his hand. He needed options. Inferno was fighting for his life and thinking at the same time.

Inferno noticed how much Poseidon was shaking the ground as he made tidal waves. His nickname was “the earth-shaker,” after all. Each time he did this the trident shook in his hand as if he might drop it. So, Inferno waited until the next time Poseidon was about to strike the ground and right when he did, Inferno kicked the bottom of the trident and it fell out of Poseidon’s hand and towards the ground.

Inferno knew when the trident fell there would be massive damage, so just in time he caught it and hit Poseidon with it. He had to do it fast because the trident was made of water; it almost burned his hand off. But he did it.

He had won, so he brought Poseidon back to Mount Olympus and Zeus rewarded him. But before that, they needed to stop the tidal waves. Zeus told some of the other gods to take care of that.

Then Zeus said, “Congratulations, you won. This is a gift of victory, this fire axe that increases your powers to the max.” Inferno said, “Thank you, I shall name this axe of fire Frax.” And every god that was there clapped.  

  • by Haresh, grade 5

Greek Mythology – create your own Greek god/goddess

The Myth of Penguinisteus, The God of Antarctic Penguins and Fish

Penguinisteus

During the Great Antarctic Seal War II of 2000 BC, the penguins were losing the war due to lack of equipment. Penguinisteus was sent to dig all the way to the seal’s headquarters.

At first, Penguinisteus did not want to fight in this war. So, he pretended to be insane so he would not be sent. He put on a tuxedo jacket and a blue crown covered in fish drawings and started waddling around the town. This did not work, however, because everyone thought if he was insane he would be the best person to spend days underground, so they decided he was the best penguin for the job. Unknown to the rest of the penguins was the fact that Penguinisteus was a demi-god, and was immortal.

Penguinisteus then started digging to the seals’ headquarters. While digging he met a god by the name of Glaucus. He gave Penguinisteus a scroll named “The Scroll of Thee Tiny Penguin!” Using this would make him tiny for five minutes.

“To use this scroll you have to count to ten, then spin around 3 times, eat a piece of wheat bread, and then say I WILL BE A TINY PENGUIN,” Glaucus told him. “And then sign it with the tiny pen that comes out, oh – and here is a piece of wheat bread.”

“What can I do as a tiny penguin?” Penguinisteus asked him. “Anyone can just catch me.”

Glaucus laughed his loud, fishy laugh. “That is what is so great about The Tiny Scroll,” he said. “You will retain all the strength of a full-sized penguin.”

Penguinisteus thought that this sounded pretty good, so he thanked Glaucus and kept digging. Soon he heard a deafening chomping sound. The ice around him began to shake. Then he saw rows of sharp teeth heading straight for him! As quick as he could, Penguinisteus constructed himself a super-sharp spear made of ice. He had done this many times back home when he wanted to spear fish with his friends. However, he thought maybe it would not work when he saw the huge, 8-foot-high, 9-foot-wide piranha in front of him. Penguinisteus said a quick prayer to Glaucus because he was a fish god and piranhas are fish – and then, with all of his might, he thrust the ice spear into the back of its throat. It did not die, but it started to cough and got distracted, so Penguinisteus quickly dug himself away from it.

Penguinisteus kept digging and then he heard rumbling noises; there were tiny snow chunks falling from the top of the cave. Suddenly, snow started coming down rapidly. He was suffocating, but he started to eat the ice and was having good progress. Soon he had enough space to breathe, and then he kept digging.

 He started to feel really full from eating all that ice. “Well,” he thought to himself, “Since I’m stuck here anyway, I will just take breaks when I need to and get out of this eventually. As long as I chew away enough space to keep breathing between breaks, I should be OK.” This seemed like a good idea, and it worked for about four hours. But then something went terribly wrong.

He heard a digging noise approaching directly in front of him and prepared for battle quickly, making a new ice spear. Once it got close enough for Penguinisteus to see it, he discovered it was an enemy seal digging to the penguins’ headquarters! Penguinisteus stabbed the seal, which gave him an idea: “I should kill this seal and wear its skin.” So, he grabbed the ice spear with his flipper and stabbed the seal in the throat. It was a fatal hit, and the seal soon died. Then, Penguinisteus put on the skin of the seal and kept following the path the seal made.

Penguinisteus was pleased with how much easier it was to reach the headquarters once he found the seal’s path. With his seal costume, he was getting very confident that he would be able to execute his plan with ease now. Alas, Penguinisteus was too confident, and he stopped being cautious as he approached the end of the seal’s ice tunnel; he popped up out of the ice, without looking around first.

Once he got up, nine seals noticed him, and all of them were asking, “Did you make it to their headquarters?” Clearly, they all thought he was the enemy seal Penguinisteus had conquered in the tunnel.

“Oh yeah, I did, um…” Penguinisteus was panicking. He hadn’t planned for how he would explain returning as a seal without any equipment. Then he remembered that back home where his brothers and sisters were, they had no equipment, which was the whole reason he started digging towards the seals’ headquarters in the first place. “The thing is, once I got there, it turned out that they have no equipment, so there was nothing to steal,” he told them, trying to make his voice sound seal-like.

Then one seal named Rob Boss noticed his webbed feet poking out from under Penguinisteus’s seal suit, and realized something was off.

Rob yelled, “HEY DAT SEAL GOT WEB FEET!” Everyone then started looking at Penguinisteus’s feet and then jumped on him, knocking him unconscious. 

When Penguinisteus woke up, he knew something was wrong. He could open his eyes, but other than that he could barely move. And even though he was a penguin, he was quite cold. When he tried to look around, he noticed everything seemed blurry and distorted. “What’s wrong with my eyes?” he wondered, and tried to move his fins to rub them – but they were frozen at his sides. The seals had trapped him in a block of impenetrable ice! “Good thing I am immortal,” Penguinisteus thought to himself. “This is definitely a setback, but I can wait until this ice melts just the tiniest bit, and then I can use my secret weapon to get out of this. And the seals will never see it coming!”

Penguinisteus waited for hours and hours until the ice started to melt, he took out his wheat bread, counted to ten, spun around three times, ate the wheat bread, and then said I WILL BE THE TINY PENGUIN. Then he signed his name to the scroll with the pen that was 0.000000001283921783412 micrometers smaller than a normal pen.  He started shrinking drastically until he was only .000000001283921783412 micrometers tall. Then he got out of his ice block and prayed to Apollo to perform Bunshin no Jutsu, making a clone of himself. Then he put the clone Penguinisteus inside the ice block and hurried away.

Now that Penguinisteus knew the seals had no weapons either, and that a tunnel leading directly to their lair had been dug by the dead seal, he returned to the land of the penguins with a new plan. At first, his journey was easy because he was infinitesimally small, but after five minutes he began to grow back to normal size, and the tunnel was a bit tighter. But he made it back in record time and leapt up out of the ice hole to exclaim to his penguin friends: “New plan everyone! The seals are also out of equipment, but now we have a direct path coming up from under their headquarters! Let’s use it to sneak attack them before they figure out it’s there and try to do the same to us.”

All of the penguins dove into the tunnel, but Glaucus told Penguinisteus to stay behind. Once everyone left for the sneak attack, Glaucus told Penguinisteus to sit down and close his eyes. Then Penguinisteus did another special ritual: he ate a piece of white bread, spun around 23 times, jumped 24 inches in the air, and then counted to 142. After that, Glaucus told Penguinisteus to open his eyes. Then Glaucous said, “You are now a god.”

It was not long before the penguins returned, having successfully overthrown the seals when they took them by surprise. Only 18 penguins perished in the battle. This put a stop to the seal war, and the penguins gained access to a new headquarters.

That night, the penguins had a huge celebration. Everyone jumped into the ocean and caught a ton of fish. Then Glaucus called for everyone’s attention.

“Fellow penguins,” Glaucus said. “I present to you your new god – Penguinisteus, the god of Antarctica and anywhere else penguins live.

From now on you will all have to put nine fish in front of the Penguinisteus statue we will build. These nine fish will represent the nine seals who almost captured our god. Also, you will have to blink in morse code the number nine to this statue every day. And if you do these things, you will always be blessed by Penguinisteus. 

If you do not honor Penguinisteus in this manner, he will ensure that all the fish in the area are repelled by a special force field that keeps them away until you all starve.”

And then all of the penguins cheered and started making Penguinisteus’s statue of honor.

And they all lived penguin-ly ever after.

  • by Sid, Grade 6