The Myth of McOiless, the Goddess of Cooking Oil
McOiless was surrounded by gods and goddesses with very important roles. She was very jealous of those with roles because she didn’t have one. Not only that, but most of the gods and goddesses were strong, majestic and beautiful, while she was small and no matter what she did, she still had oily skin. Her mother, Persephone, encouraged McOiless to go talk to her uncle Dionysus since he often had good ideas in spite of the fact that he was never 100% sober when he came up with them.
“You should try and search far and wide for your specialty,” Dionysus told McOiless when she went to his vineyard, “instead of just searching in one area.” Dionysus was concerned because all of his sister’s kids were special and McOiless seemed useless, and McOiless had tried to search on Mount Olympus for a specialty to no avail.
After Dionysus had consumed two bottles of his own vintage wine, he was drunk enough to come up with the brilliant idea of McOiless going to Earth to find her role.
“That’s a brilliant idea,” McOiless squeaked with excitement, “but if I go to Earth, I will need something to protect myself. I have never ventured far from Mount Olympus.”
McOiless went to her grandmother Demeter to see if she had any ideas about a weapon for protection on Earth. Demeter thought for a moment, and then reached into a cabinet under her stove where she was making bread. She pulled out a plain black frying pan.
“This frying pan can knock out a mortal for two hours with a single tap of the surface,” Demeter told her. “It can also do another power, but that is for you to figure out for yourself.” She winked and handed the simple-looking pan to McOiless.
McOiless looked optimistically at the pan. “I was thinking of something different, but this will work,” she piped.
McOiless asked Hermes to transport her to Earth, and since he was so helpful, he agreed. Once she arrived on Earth, she found out that she quite liked it. There were so many things for her to do and discover that were not on Mount Olympus, like allergies and towels. While searching for her role, she met Saladus, the god of salads, who was enthusiastic about healthy food, and watched over people on diets to make sure they worked.
Saladus was green and very fit due to his attention to his health. His hair was curly and fuzzy like a broccoli floret. He also wore a necklace made out of cherry tomatoes.
“I see that you are trying to find your role. I can help you find it through the power of diet and salad; a healthy diet strengthens your brain and your body so that you have more energy on your quest.”
McOiless was happy, because she was desperate and had no one to help her on her endeavor. She accepted Saladus’s offer and went with him to his temple made of celery pillars and a cauliflower roof.
McOiless’s breakfast every day was a single carrot. Her lunch was a vegetable smoothie in a bowl with added celery or lettuce chunks. Her dinner was a burrito – but only made of vegetables and the tortilla was more lettuce. Finally, for dessert she had three strawberries.
This went on for a month. Then McOiless realized that vegetables and healthy eating were making her feel weak. She wondered how she would ever be able to find her specialty if she continued. She bravely decided to approach Saladus and tell him she wanted to leave.
“You take my help so ungratefully!” Saladus’s voice grated. “See if anyone else will be so kind to help you find your role!” He bid her a very angry goodbye, but went into his broccoli lair and cooked up a plan.
He schemed how to make McOiless’s journey so tough that she had no choice but to run back to his vegetated castle. He thought hard about McOiless’s weaknesses, and realized that without her gear, such as food and weapons, she would pretty much be left for the rats. He then mixed up a brilliant plan.
“Tomato vultures! I need your assistance,” he called out to his trusty pets. The red vultures came to him and sat upon their celery perch. “I need you to seek out this goddess,” he said, “She has long oily black hair, oily skin, and wears a toga the color of oil. She’s just oily in general! Go find her! She sticks out like frozen butter in a pool of oil.”
The Tomato vultures never spoke, but Saladus knew they understood. Without another word from him, they tossed off. Their red glistening tomato bodies contrasted against the light blue sky.
While McOiless was winding down and creating cool oil out of her skin pores in order to avoid the blazing sun, she realized that her oil technique wasn’t as strong as it used to be. I knew that those darn green vegetables were doing harm to me! she angrily thought.
Just as she thought the worst was over, she realized that her bread bowl bag was gone from her side. A bubbling surge of panic rose within her and she desperately searched around her surroundings for her bag. Where is it! Oh no, I cannot go without my bag.
She then heard a squawk above her head and looked up. A very ugly tomato looking bird was circling above her, carrying the bread bowl bag, as if it were mocking her.
“Hey! Give it back you stupid bird!” She jumped up and reached, but slipped on the oil puddle she had made. But she was never going to give up. When the bird swept just low enough, she grabbed one item out of the bag.
The bird squawked loudly and flew up, but made the effort to take a tomatoey bird poop on McOiless’s head.
McOiless was angry, humiliated, and upset. She then checked what the item was she had grabbed, and saw the magical frying pan.
“I guess you’re all I’ve got now,” she mumbled.
“Hey are you OK?” McOiless heard a voice behind her. She spun around and saw a partially-costumed clown standing there. He was tall and had clown makeup on, but he had taken off his clown wig and big floppy shoes.
McOiless sighed. “I guess I am,” she said.
“Are you sure? Because I just saw a bunch of flying tomatoes steal your stuff,” the half clown said. “Why don’t you come to my booth and I will give you some supplies.”
He handed her a balloon animal and she took it, then followed him up the street to where a fair was taking place. “What’s your name?” the clown asked her.
“Hello McOiless. I am Donald the Clown. And this is my booth!” he said as he approached a small red and yellow building surrounded by children.
Unfortunately, the children all started crying when they saw Donald without his clown wig and floppy shoes. McOiless distracted them by giving them balloons while Donald got fully dressed. When he emerged from behind his booth, the kids cheered.
“Here you go, pretty lady,” said Donald, handing her a plastic bag filled with napkins, a loaf of bread, a compass, some water bottles, and some ring pops. The bag was tied to a red balloon with a yellow D, for Donald, on it.
I hope all humans are as nice as this Donald guy, McOiless thought, as she thanked him and went on her way. Hopefully someday she would be able to repay his kindness.
As Saladus was making a salad, the tomato vultures flew in and dropped the bread bowl bag. Saladus was delighted and quickly rummaged through the bag for her belongings, getting disgusted at all the oil. He realized that something was not quite right.
“Where’s the frying pan?” Saladus glared at the vultures. The vultures nervously looked at each other.
Saladus was fed up with anger and tossed his salad at the birds. They both squawked and attempted to dodge the flying cucumbers.
“I said to get everything!” Saladus angrily shouted, “Maybe you weren’t a ripe enough tomato for the job! I guess I’ll just have to get a bigger obstacle.”
Saladus thought, then remembered something stored away in his jalapeno cellar – away from the eyes of any mortal or immortal.
He walked to get his olive candle and walked down the fifty flights of eggplant stairs. He then arrived at the jalapeno cellar and heard a low growl from the cage. The bacon dog.
McOiless was getting nowhere with her journey, and every day she was getting oilier and oilier. Her forehead was like a beacon from the shine. And a plane would know where she was by the glow of the oil and the slimy trail she left.
Then she heard a loud howl and stopped in her tracks. She seemed drawn to it, yet it felt like common sense to be afraid by it. McOiless clutched her frying pan and ran towards the sound of the howling.
She was met by a large dog that seemed to be made of raw pieces of thin pork. It had two heads and a sloppy tongue of bacon. Its eyes were fried eggs, and it had an avocado seed nose.
The dog seemed to stop howling when McOiless approached it. She was drawn to the dog and all of a sudden felt a deep need to save it for an unknown reason.
All of a sudden, it started growling and barking, flicking its tail and knocking McOiless off her feet. In defense, she involuntarily made a geyser of oil come out of her back to prevent her from falling. The dog continued to charge at McOiless and she summoned fried chicken from her pan and threw it at the dog. The dog ate the chicken, and McOiless was left defenseless again. The dog charged at McOiless, she shut her eyes and put her hands up to defend herself, unknowingly shooting out hot boiling cooking oil from her hands. She heard a sizzle sound and opened one eye cautiously, and saw a cooked bacon dog with a slobbery bacon tongue.
“What-?” her sentence was cut off when the large dog tackled her, licking her oily face and wagging his bacon tail. McOiless laughed and scratched the back of his ears, making him roll on his back so she could rub his bacon belly.
“If you look past the fact you’re just all bacon, you’re kind of cute,” she smiled, “I will name you Baconeus.”
McOiless then got to thinking, how was it that she could make oil on command and as a defensive technique? She played fetch with the dog while deep in thought. While things flipped through her mind, she finally put the burger together. Her specialty was simply cooking oil!
“Baconeus! I finally found out what my purpose is!” She excitedly squeaked, and her pores generated more oil from overexcitement. “Let’s go back to Mount Olympus! We need to tell everyone!”
As she mounted Baconeus, she felt something drop on her head. She picked it up and saw a cherry tomato. Her heart dropped and her throat felt thick.
“You really thought you could just leave?” A booming voice was heard from above. McOiless looked up and saw a lettuce chariot with red onion reins and cauliflower seats. The horses were made of potatoes and had green bean eyes.
“Leave me alone!” McOiless shouted up, “Or I will dunk you in deep fry oil!”
Saladus raised a carroty eyebrow, “So you have found your specialty? I knew something was wrong when you rejected my expertise.”
McOiless was done with Saladus’s bossing around. “You don’t scare me!”
“We’ll see about that.”
Saladus hopped down from his chariot and made a floor of cauliflower below him, breaking his fall. McOiless hopped back while Baconeus growled at Saladus.
McOiless quickly made oil and shot it at Saladus; he made a wall of lettuce to protect himself from the unhealthy grease. McOiless ran in panic as Saladus approached her slowly.
“You’re nothing but a goddess who has no specialty, who turned to such unhealthy desires as fried food.”
McOiless stopped in her greasy tracks. She could feel anger bubbling deep in her soul and oil seeping from her pores. Her face dripped with grease from anger.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” She turned to Saladus and yelled.
Saladus spun his carrot spear around in his hand, “Let’s see what’s more powerful: health, or some junk.”
Without a warning, his spear turned into a carrot bow with toothpick olive arrows. He shot them at her and McOiless ducked in defense, spraying oil out at the arrows. I have to think of a way to defeat him!
McOiless rubbed her eyes, deep in thought, and some of her own oil got in her eyes. It stung a little – which gave her an idea.
“Baconeus! I need you to distract Saladus!” She told her dog. Baconeus gave a faint nod and ran towards Saladus, biting one of his green legs.
“Get off me, you mutt!” he shrieked.
McOiless readied her stance and waited for the right moment. She watched Saladus’s every move and saw him pull back the carrot bow. Now’s my chance!
She felt her palms get warm and bubbly and shot out boiling hot oil right at Saladus’s eyes, and the oil dripped down his neck and chest, burning his green skin.
Saladus cried out in pain and clutched his eyes. The steaming sound was painful to hear. He ran quickly towards his lettuce chariot, tripping over his feet, and took off.
Baconeus came running up to McOiless’s side. “We did it, Baconeus!” she shouted with joy, as they watched Saladus’s chariot fly erratically off into the sky.
McOiless’s feet were tired as she finally climbed the last rock towards Mount Olympus. The gate was opened for her and there she saw her mother Persephone.
“Oh, you’re finally back with your role I hope?” Persephone asked McOiless.
“Yes, I have my role,” McOiless smiled brightly. “It’s cooking oil.”
Persephone smiled back at McOiless. “Well, we need to put the importance of your role somewhere.”
McOiless thought for a moment and then came up with a great idea, inspired by a nice human she met on earth.
“What if I make a place called McDonalds, and it could rest on the side of Mount Olympus,” she pointed to an empty area of the mountain, “right over there.”
Baconeus, Persephone, and McOiless walked over to the area she pointed at. But McOiless slipped on the oil trail she made.
“Oh, my bad, it’s just very slippery to walk on oil with feet.”
Persephone shook her head, “You should go to Zeus about that, I’ll call Hephaestus to build McDonalds for you.”
McOiless walked to Zeus’s temple with Baconeus at her side. Zeus saw McOiless come in.
“What brings you here?” Zeus asked.
“I’m having trouble walking on the oil trail I make, as my role in Mount Olympus is cooking oil.”
Zeus clapped his hands, “I have the perfect thing for you! It won’t hurt at all.”
Suddenly, her legs started to move on their own. The skin around them created so much oil she thought she would slip and crack her head. Then, she couldn’t even feel her two legs anymore and they felt like one solid piece.
McOiless looked down and saw a snail body under her waist like a centaur, but she was half-human, half snail. She was the first Snailtaur! A big shell sat on her back that created oil to keep her comfortable and to slick the floors to help her move without creating an oil trail for the other gods and goddesses to trip on.
“Wow! This is amazing! Thank you!” McOiless slithered around. Baconeus got excited.
“You’re very welcome.”
McOiless left the temple and saw two golden arches in the shape of an M at the area she showed Persephone. A small red and yellow building sat behind it.
She slid towards it in amazement. Hephaestus was also admiring his work.
“This is truly great! I can now serve all the deep fried food I want!”
“Yes, McOiless, you can,” said a booming voice behind her. Everyone turned around to see Zeus approaching. He almost never left his temple, so this was truly a sight to behold.
“This is a great day for all of the gods,” Zeus said, putting a huge hand on McOiless’s shell. “Not only do we now have a goddess of all things oily and fried, but we can all benefit from the bounty of your greasy feasts,” he said. “And also, you have defeated that overbearing god Saladus,” he grumbled. “I know that guy means well, but he is just so annoying and obsessive. And now he cannot keep such a watchful eye over everyone who is on a diet. I know that means some diets won’t work now, but to be honest mortals are too obsessed with dieting anyway. I mean, it’s not like they are going to live forever!” And at that, everybody laughed.
“Fried chicken for everyone!” McOiless announced.
Everybody cheered and filed into the red and yellow building for a huge fried feast that lasted for 30 days.
-by Rebecca, Grade 8